Clown Farm Apocalypse

I keep forgetting I have a website. Too busy to really update, but i’m now Games Editor for MyM magazine, which launches 3rd May 2012. Woo!

Will update with all the latest very soon indeed. I promise.

Also, go buy 360 Gamer issue 96 and read loads of my lovely words, especially about Darksiders 2.

4 years on from the first time I heard it, Milk Lizard by The Dillinger Escape Plan to me remains the finest piece of music I have ever heard. Every time I listen to Ire Works, when Milk Lizard comes on something new, something different grabs and demands my attention. It’s occasionally the scattershot Mathcore guitarwork, the squirrelly and unexpected trumpet, Greg’s epic vocals or the lyrics themselves: more than likely its Gil Sharone’s astounding drumwork. I don’t know why I feel the need to share this with you lot, but I have to blog about something every now and then.

I promise you, I still live. Enjoy my mate Joe’s awesome Minecraft video. I’ll talk to you soon, sweet cheeks.

Oh, and I went to Austin, Texas. First time on US soil. 6th Street wrecked me and I fell in love with the country. Look for my cover feature on a certain videogame in the next issue of 360 Gamer.

M

Sometimes, Fan Fiction can be intensely, hopelessly detailed and idealised dross churned out by obsessives.

Sometimes, it’s an interesting diversion, but more likely it’s creepy and sexualised masturbatory fantasy from socially maladjusted teenagers or spinsters.

And sometimes… it’s written by Hans von Hozel. If you never read any other FanFiction, you should read Hans’ Titanic fanfic:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4726170/1/Titanic

I like the bit where the iceberg touches the water.

Current Gamerscore: 163,127

Ooh, look: i’ve gone and done updated my blogthing. Decided to use the neat-looking Yashfa theme by WP GPL, it appears to have everything I want from a blog and doesn’t make me look like the website-building asshat I really am. Currently on the lookout for a decent new header image though, the old horse-eyes doesn’t really cut it anymore.

Part of the change has also been giving the site a brand new name: Clown Farm Apocalypse. I do not know why yet, but the words have stuck with me over ‘The Achievement Horse’ or my old blog’s name, ‘Not A Pastry Chef’ (which I named after getting laughed out of a chav-tacular interview at a Greggs). Hopefully I can get a header image that will adequately reflect the name.

I will start posting more to the site, part of which will involve me doing a ‘One A Day’ style posting of at least one image or videoclip or actual post every day during April, and I hope to really improve my portfolio pages soon too, but right now I’ve got some games to plough through: Hello Homefront, Bulletstorm, Dragon Age 2, Crysis 1, Crysis Warhead, ASSBRO Da Vinci whatever…

Current Gamerscore: 162,697G

There is a startling amount of cocking going on in Bulletstorm.

While I was talking to someone online today through OkCupid, I noticed an advert offering me guaranteed pick up lines to break the ice. How useful: i’m a socially awkward man whose conversations with the fairer sex usually result in me quietly, naively trying to pretend I don’t physically repulse ladies and standing still until they find someone better.

I clicked on the link and there’s this guy there who wants to sell me advice on how to talk to women and all the secrets I do not know about ladies and dating. Aww, this guy seems really lonely. Oh dear, oh no, he created a system! No, David DeAngelo, don’t do it! You could hear the chopper in the background and his house being stormed, I closed the tab when I heard the screaming as the militant feminists descended upon.

It got me thinking though: do women get marketed at in a similar way? I know that dating sites are mainly geared towards women and lonely guys like me, but I’ve never heard of systems or techniques for getting men interested in a woman that involve teaching them body language. You can’t exactly teach how to spark an attraction, just a base sense of lust that, 90% of the time, is doomed to fizzle out.

Still, what do I know, i’m daft enough of a bastard to have clicked on it in the first place. Back to my usual method of dating women…

Current Gamerscore: 158,964

And once again, Martin Wharmby returns to life, this time with actual access to his own webspace. Expect the look of this place to change around as I get used to my new hooves. In the meantime, Banana: